January 26, 2010

2 problems in my life that won't let me study...

Late night studying:

Ok so I can’t study until I get all these thoughts out of my head:

#1: am I depressed? When asked this question earlier I obviously brushed it off as no, but then I thought about it deeper, and really idk. I don’t think I am, but recently I have been having a harder time than normal with my mother’s death, but that always happens around this time of year. From now until April 20th I kind of have a hard time, and well maybe that’s why I have been having such a hard time enjoying JNJ, Idk. I have a hard time, because all these memories seem to surface during this time. All these memories like how my mom always kept the heater on her feet because she didn’t like it in her face, and how she was very much into home cooked meals and how when she found a good book, she had to find someone to share it with. There’s a country song that came out and it says “You taught me how to live, and then you taught me to die” and I find that VERY true to my mother. She was my mentor, and probably through her memory still is. She was a woman that was quick to listen and slow to speak. She just had a very good way with me that no one except maybe my Mimi has. She was the woman that I strive to be every day. She was the woman that was my mother, and probably the one person that I loved the most in the world, the one that understood me like no one else could. Maybe she’s the reason that I hold so tightly to God even when I feel like I’m letting go, but that’s next… It seems like I go a while when I don’t really deal with my emotions dealing with my mother, kind of just ignore? Or just don’t have any about her, or I remember happily, or something idk and then all of a sudden I just go through one of these phases. I didn’t realize that they came out to where my friends could see, but obviously they do. People say that the grief gets better with time, but what they don’t tell you is that yes while it gets better, you still have those nights that you cry yourself to sleep, you still wish every second that that person was back, you still anytime you go to a funeral think about the one that changed your whole life. So the question is: am I depressed? I suppose I am a little bit, but I believe that it is a healthy amount for what I had to deal with at age 13.

#2: why am I majoring in religion? Honestly I have asked this question a lot this past semester, and even up until tonight. I found my answer tonight. There is nothing else in this life that we are suppose to do but worship God. He says that he is suppose to be our number one, he is the ruler of all, he is the King of Kings, and well he is God! I don’t know anything better to study than him. L asked me this question tonight, and quite honestly I was stumped, but then as I started truly thinking about it, I came to it, there is nothing else that matters. I know L was concerned about me earning money through out my life, but honestly that is not my main concern. I would rather do something that matters than do something that would take my focus off God. I know I know, no matter what I do I can always focus on God, but I don’t know what I would rather do than worship (and I’m putting worship as in something completely consuming everything that you do) the One that made me. Am I completely sure what I will do with my degree? No… Does that scare me, not at all, God will open doors. Having faith is probably the one thing that my mother tried to stress to me the most through her actions. She taught me that a lot of faith deals with just saying “God, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I am going to put myself in your hands, because I have no where else to go.” Most of my struggle with this question deals with the shift in our society from church and family values to agnostic and me myself and I values. I have the fear that we are about to enter into a dark age where true Christianity will be scarce and hard to find. If it doesn’t happen in my life time, I’m sure it will in my children’s. I am sorry for my children, because they will not have the same world as I did growing up. And maybe my choice in degree is just that, I wish to try and preserve true faith like I was shown as much as I can. I don’t know. I have a meeting with my advisor in a couple of weeks and I will see what she can help me with. Maybe she can tell me a better career to shoot for than children’s ministry or youth ministry. I might just go around speaking to people, I have thought about that too, however I also realize that unless you are crazy amazing that is a hard thing to do, and I would be afraid that I would become a “professional Christian”. AKA I would just get into a roll of things and stop really working on my faith.

Ok, now that all that is out of my head, I can study again…YAY Greek!

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