August 29, 2010
August 27, 2010
2 can't wait for tomorrow to sleep in
3 high school football starts tonight
4 have to go buy my books tonight, but can't
5 have to go buy my Greek workbook
6 excited to go to church this Sunday
7 Greek hopefully should be easier this time around
8 every week I'm going to do this
9 can't wait for my car to be fixed
10 I have money, and it feels great
August 21, 2010
June 28, 2010
June 15, 2010
So...summer is here? what? who would have known that? I miss camp this summer, I miss it more than you would ever know! I have made up my mind that if I'm not in a class room at my daycare in two months from now, I will quit. This whole no class room, so just try to keep yourself busy thing sucks :/ I'm pretty sure tomorrow I am going to stay in the large babies most of the day...just because that's my favorite age :) and also the people that I get along with best are in that room. I keep on thinking that maybe tomorrow I can get in a room, maybe tomorrow I will be put in a room. It's stupid! Its all because some parents thought that having two teachers on different days switching off would confuse the kids...BS! do you know what that is called? helicopter parenting! I had one of the nonhelicopter parents ask me yesterday why I wasn't still in thier room, that their child misses me. This is ridiculous! But the bright side to not working in that room, is that I really don't like the co-worker in there...idk what it is about her, but I don't like her...she just rubs me the wrong way. Like yesterday she was pushing some kids in the buggy, and one of the teacher's kids was in it, and the directors had a message for us to read, and what did she do? Did she hurry past the door so that the kid wouldn't see her parent and therefore get all upset, NO! She freaking waited and sat there and sat there talking to me about the damn message the directors had left up there, and I was just like "well this one's parent is in this room, you might wanna move on, you might wanna get going so that she doesn't see her mother, please keep going, her mother is hiding so she doesn't see her" OMG! how many times can you rephrase that one sentence! It's ridiculous! Other than her being dumb idk what erks me about her, but she really frustrates me...she's just one of those people ya know? I don't even know why she's working with kids, she isn't any good with them. Ok, enough gossiping about my coworker....
May 18, 2010
April 18, 2010
April 09, 2010
March 30, 2010
March 25, 2010
March 24, 2010
March 23, 2010
February 12, 2010
He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath his wind and mercy.
I don’t know how to explain anyother way to explain what I’m going through with my spiritual walk than that. I don’t understand any thing right now…I don’t understand how on my worst days I still can be able to see God and see what he’s doing in my life. Ha-ha like today I was stressed so I grabbed the first CD I could grab and popped it in and the song that came up was “today is the day”. Basically a song about praising God even on the worst days. Haha it was like OK fine! I get it… haha. I will admit I didn’t rejoice in today much. I did a bit, but mostly I was frustrated. I didn’t get my greek homework done, because I wasn’t aware that I was suppose to do it, I woke up at 8:55 this morning for a 9 o’clock class, then I fell back to sleep and woke up at 9:45. I live about 20 minutes away from my college, and well so I was late to my 10:30 class. After that I sat through a class that bored me to death about financial aid that I don’t even qualify for. I know I know, “you might as well try” but honestly I know I won’t get it haha. Plus my dad promised that if I go to the local community college for the first two years, he will pay for my college. J He can’t complain, he’s the one that said that he would tell me haha. Anyways after that I went to my advisor’s office to try and find out what the f I’m doing in this place haha. I mean I know what I’m doing, but I just don’t know know what I’m doing… Mostly I’m afraid that I’m just going to school to learn. I have about 3 ideas on what I want to do, and I just need to decide on one (I do have the one that I want to do more than the others…)
Here’s the list (just so you can have an idea…)
1. Open up my own daycare/after school place that has reasonable prices(the far out there dream)
i. Be my own boss
ii. It really is my dream
iii. There really is no place that has reasonably priced childcare besides the churches.
iv. Be able to really change children’s lives
i. Would need a certification to do it
ii. Might not make a lot of money
iii. Fear that it isn’t feasible
2. Private School Teacher (most likely to happen)
i. Kind of what I have wanted to do since I was a little kid (be a teacher)
ii. Be able to change lives and teach on a daily basis about God in a Christ centered environment
iii. Be able to constantly challenge MYSELF to stay in the faith and answer the answers the students throw at me
iv. What I have always wanted to do all my life (can’t really explain why haha)
i. (not really a con, but a thought about what I would have to do additionally) Might have to take other classes to get a teaching certificate (don’t really know how that works)
ii. Afraid that I would become a professional Christian
3. Children’s Minister (would like to, but kind of see children’s ministry as kind of a dead end job, and don’t really want to work one of those for the rest of my life, might do children’s ministry on the side)
i. Would get to teach children about Christ
ii. Thought about doing this ever since my junior year
iii. Could work this as extra money…
i. Afraid that I would become a professional christian
ii. Dead end job
Ok, so those are my options and well while I wrote out those Pros and Cons I went back and wrote in ()s what I thought was most likely to happen haha. I just think that because I have wanted to be a teacher almost ALL of my life, it only makes sense. Also because I have been coming back to it a lot lately. I think I will talk about this more with my advisor next month. I’ll keep on thinking on it, and will document it on here. I really do think that writing on here helps me. It also helps me because I can go back and look over it and see what I’ve been going though…
January 28, 2010
January 26, 2010
So…trying to stay awake…just 15 minutes before I have to go to my car, and listen to the radio, and drink my meal ha-ha. So yeah today I came to the cafeteria to study for Greek, and well…if this one guy will be here when I come in here, I may start coming in here. Ha-ha. It’s not too bad of a place to study and focus on my vocab words…I might need to bring some headphones, but other than that it’s a place to study. Most of the people in here are teachers, and students trying to study, the only reason I EVER come in here is to study. Anyways about this guy: he came in and I was talking to Crystal, and he sat down by himself, when he sat down, he looked at me, I looked back smiling. He went and got his lunch (it is a cafeteria ha-ha) and sat down again, again as he sat down, he made sure to have eye contact. I kept giving him an occasional smile, and kind of looking at him when I thought he wasn’t looking, and he was doing the same (with the looking at me when he thought I wasn’t looking). I’m going to admit, he made focusing on my vocab words kind of hard, but that’s ok because the whole everything in here makes it hard to focus. That’s why I need a set of headphones… anyways back to the guy. After Crystal left we kept on doing this little exchange of looking at each other and looking away, (I looked behind me to be sure he wasn’t ACTUALLY looking at someone else and I was reading too much into it). He finally got up and looked as if he was trying to get the courage to come talk to me, and then decided to just walk out (btw: he walked out the inside doors instead of the doors that lead directly outside.) and as he was leaving he kept eye contact as if to say “well, I suppose good bye, see you around…”. I will probably come back on Thursday to study and see if he’s here ha-ha. I know that I sound like a teenager talking about this guy that looked at me, but he was genuinely checking me out, and that doesn’t happen to me all the time! Ha-ha
Well time to go eat and get ready for Greek…
Yeah, so last night’s studying was a waste of my time. It was frustrating, oh well suppose I’m ready for Thursday. I just have to try and stay awake so that I can fall asleep later tonight. I might take a cat nap for 2 hours, but I really don’t want to sleep too much … I don’t work tomorrow, but it’s still kind of important that I sleep on somewhat of a normal sleep routine. Or…at least as much as I can ha-ha. I think sometimes that I sleep too much, and others that I don’t sleep at all. I know, strange. Well luckily I have enough to do today that I should stay busy. Homework, Homework, Homework…I have about a million chapters to read, and to translate some of 1st John, and do some workbook. I suppose such is life in college, catch some Zs when you can, and then stay up WAY too late ha-ha.
Late night studying:
Ok so I can’t study until I get all these thoughts out of my head:
#1: am I depressed? When asked this question earlier I obviously brushed it off as no, but then I thought about it deeper, and really idk. I don’t think I am, but recently I have been having a harder time than normal with my mother’s death, but that always happens around this time of year. From now until April 20th I kind of have a hard time, and well maybe that’s why I have been having such a hard time enjoying JNJ, Idk. I have a hard time, because all these memories seem to surface during this time. All these memories like how my mom always kept the heater on her feet because she didn’t like it in her face, and how she was very much into home cooked meals and how when she found a good book, she had to find someone to share it with. There’s a country song that came out and it says “You taught me how to live, and then you taught me to die” and I find that VERY true to my mother. She was my mentor, and probably through her memory still is. She was a woman that was quick to listen and slow to speak. She just had a very good way with me that no one except maybe my Mimi has. She was the woman that I strive to be every day. She was the woman that was my mother, and probably the one person that I loved the most in the world, the one that understood me like no one else could. Maybe she’s the reason that I hold so tightly to God even when I feel like I’m letting go, but that’s next… It seems like I go a while when I don’t really deal with my emotions dealing with my mother, kind of just ignore? Or just don’t have any about her, or I remember happily, or something idk and then all of a sudden I just go through one of these phases. I didn’t realize that they came out to where my friends could see, but obviously they do. People say that the grief gets better with time, but what they don’t tell you is that yes while it gets better, you still have those nights that you cry yourself to sleep, you still wish every second that that person was back, you still anytime you go to a funeral think about the one that changed your whole life. So the question is: am I depressed? I suppose I am a little bit, but I believe that it is a healthy amount for what I had to deal with at age 13.
#2: why am I majoring in religion? Honestly I have asked this question a lot this past semester, and even up until tonight. I found my answer tonight. There is nothing else in this life that we are suppose to do but worship God. He says that he is suppose to be our number one, he is the ruler of all, he is the King of Kings, and well he is God! I don’t know anything better to study than him. L asked me this question tonight, and quite honestly I was stumped, but then as I started truly thinking about it, I came to it, there is nothing else that matters. I know L was concerned about me earning money through out my life, but honestly that is not my main concern. I would rather do something that matters than do something that would take my focus off God. I know I know, no matter what I do I can always focus on God, but I don’t know what I would rather do than worship (and I’m putting worship as in something completely consuming everything that you do) the One that made me. Am I completely sure what I will do with my degree? No… Does that scare me, not at all, God will open doors. Having faith is probably the one thing that my mother tried to stress to me the most through her actions. She taught me that a lot of faith deals with just saying “God, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I am going to put myself in your hands, because I have no where else to go.” Most of my struggle with this question deals with the shift in our society from church and family values to agnostic and me myself and I values. I have the fear that we are about to enter into a dark age where true Christianity will be scarce and hard to find. If it doesn’t happen in my life time, I’m sure it will in my children’s. I am sorry for my children, because they will not have the same world as I did growing up. And maybe my choice in degree is just that, I wish to try and preserve true faith like I was shown as much as I can. I don’t know. I have a meeting with my advisor in a couple of weeks and I will see what she can help me with. Maybe she can tell me a better career to shoot for than children’s ministry or youth ministry. I might just go around speaking to people, I have thought about that too, however I also realize that unless you are crazy amazing that is a hard thing to do, and I would be afraid that I would become a “professional Christian”. AKA I would just get into a roll of things and stop really working on my faith.
Ok, now that all that is out of my head, I can study again…YAY Greek!